Listening to: music....
Reading: Alexandros by Valerio M. Manfredi
I... Well, you know i am pagan, right? That i believe in greek gods?
Well. I am loosing faith in these days.
I had this dream some days ago... I was bowing and i was hugging Zeus' legs with my arms, as to ask forgivness for something (and actually i have a lot to ask forgivness for)... With no sound and no words, he just went away from me, turned and went away... I remember around there was white but I have no idea where i was. And i felt bad, abandoned, idiot in my bowing... Then the image skipped to a place I dont remember... And then it skipped again. And i was in my grandma's house, in her livingroom. There was a dude bowing next to the "coffee" table, holding a statue of the "Mother of Jesus" (yeahm, i am pagan but i know about other religions, folks. not an ignorant you are talking with) and he looked like a.. well, one of those Africa countries or Asia, with muslims (and i am NOT racist, it was just like that. thats all)... like a.. Persian? .. And i asked him who he was and he tried to hit me with the statue.
I got up, my heart skipping like it was crazy, i could see but it was like i couldn't in the dark, i was scared and my heart hurted. For a while i didn't move, or couldn't move... Then i did but it's days i am thinking about it with the horrible feeling my gods just abandoned me. Like a dog on the street.
And i know it's all my fault, because i'm a liar, in hypocrite, a idiot. And i couldn't do any sacrifices to them because both my parents are "christians" and they would say i am crazy and such, plus i don't have an altar (but i must get one or do it on my own ._.).
In my city there is park where there is a place with some statues of stone. These statues are some of my gods. There are some satyrs too. I.. well. I planned to go there to pray them, at least an afternoon a week when i have not so many homeworks and such. But... well. I don't know what to donate to them, and how to buy it whitout my parents finding it out. i tought of a bit of incense? ...
I don't really know what to do to get the favour of my gods once again. This makes me so mad. Because I am so stupid. I asked, knowing i had to give something in change, but couldn't get nothing to give them
The dream really worried me, because I, as ancient greeks, think the dreams done at down are profetical and pretty true. And i think i did it at that hours. I'm really stressed these days, but if my patron, Zeus, left me on my own.. I dont really think i can do this anymore. If also my gods leave me, i have nothing to live for. Nothing.
I am sorry, but i think i'll spam you with some pagan drawings that have nothing to do with Percy Jackson or The Greek Myths Challenge. They will have a meaning for me, to try to get the faith again... They will have the precedence on everything.
I didn't want to do this. Because my watchers are not pagan and they could think it's a reliogion harrassement or something, but its NOT. i need to feel the gods at my side once again. I don't wan't to lose the watchers that are actually active (not many *sigh*) but i really need to do this.